A personal note to myself….I am writing this, just home from a lovely holiday. With lovely people, in a lovely place. I don’t talk too candidly about my life, my feelings and emotions for fear of being judged. I am afraid of people’s judgement. I fear people thinking badly of me. But I also fear my own thoughts sometimes.
I am not where I want to be in life. If you had of asked me ten years ago what I envisioned for the future, it would have been a nice house, kids, and a decent job. Myself and John had just moved into our own place and were thoroughly enjoying ‘playing house’. Not too long after, the recession hit and we were forced to move home. Even writing those words gives me a lump in my throat. But, we tried to be positive and figured we’d be back on our feet before the year was out. Fast forward to ten years later, sitting typing this in my parents back room at 33 years old!
This is not the life I pictured. But, some times you just can’t imagine what life is going to throw at you. Family break ups, deaths and in my case Cancer, which my lovely mammy is currently battling for the second time in her life. This time it’s so much worse. She is literally the strongest person I know! And if I wasn’t still in her back room writing this, I wouldn’t be able to go to hospital appointments with her, be around when she needs me….and even when she doesn’t, just in case 🙂
I get down a lot, I’m naturally a pretty pessimistic person, I worry. But I choose not to show it much. My family sees it, John bears the brunt of it. For me Beautynook is an escape. Somewhere for me to get lost in the things that sometimes just keep me going. Completely unnecessary things like lipstick and eyeshadow. But some days, these are the things that keep me going.
I don’t have a bad life in the grand scheme of things. I have somewhere to live, food, clothes and nice things to boot. I also have literally the best partner in the world. (Don’t tell him I said that). I have great friends. I write about something that I love. And in return, I get to do nice things, sometimes get sent lovely things and get to communicate with with some lovely people. It’s just not typically a life people would be proud of.
Honestly I have no idea why I started writing this. I guess I just wanted to put it out there that everyone struggles. And we all handle it differently. Some of us get stronger in strife, some of us weaker. It doesn’t make us bad people, it just makes us people. Without some of the bad things in life, the good things wouldn’t happen. If we had of stayed in our nine to five job, John wouldn’t be excelling with his own business, I probably would have never taking up blogging and I wouldn’t have some of the brilliant people in my life that I do now. Maybe it’s all for a reason. Maybe it will all make sense one day.
I am my hardest critic, it stops me from taking chances. It stops me from believing in myself. Which in turn, stops me from advancing. I haven’t always made the best decisions in life and I’ve spent a lot of time thinking what if?
Maybe saying it out loud like this might help me to take a chance now and again. And maybe it might help you too. Sure if we feel rock bottom, what have we got to lose?
Shoutout to all the awesome people who say nice things to me and about me on Instagram, Facebook anywhere really. As shallow as it sounds, your words have helped me so much. My little corner of the internet is an ok place and I have you who take the time to check in with it to thank for it 🙂
This is a personal note to myself and I guess to you and all the lovely people in my life too.
Thank you for everything you do for me.